Lights...Camera...Awesomeness

Well readers, check this out...

I don't know if any of you have heard of it, but I discovered this new website called "YouTube" in which absolutely ANYONE can upload videos that they've made themselves. A few people have already registered accounts on it, so I thought to myself, hell - I need a cut of that action, too!

So, if you can't be bothered reading what I have to say about the world we live in, I reckon you'll find that I have just as much to say in moving images.

More to come on YouTube(click here!) or on this blog in the near future...

Enjoy!

Crap In The Crosshairs

One only needs to turn on their TV or computer(in my little sphere, it's called looking out the window) to see a very strange world...

Like many people these days, I download all of my TV. My hat goes off to the seeders all over the world who busily upload copies of my favourite shows without the commercials. Thanks to all of you, I am ruler of my own kingdom. My world, my oyster. Someone like Gordon Ramsay, the most entertainingly aggressive prick ever to get his own TV show, is merely my jester who I can summon whenever I feel like it and shoot dead with my DivX DVD controller when I'm sick of him. In Ramsay's court, he has prospective jesters of his own lining up, applying, jumping up and down, screaming, juggling, doing whatever it takes for just one opportunity to be verbally castrated by the best in the business.

A few years ago, when I was spending way too much of my life in front of the TV, I was watching a show called, You Are What You Eat, hosted by caustic nutritionist, Gillian McKeith with the camera presence of Medusa. In each episode, the enlightened McKeith would help obese people by telling them they were overweight. Don't get me wrong, she genuinely cared for their well being which is why she would mortify them for shallow entertainment rather than humbly practice as a nutritionist in a clinic outside the world of television. Makes total sense, right? Plus, she got to look a thousand times better than what she actually was by standing next to her weekly subjects in as many shots as possible.

McKeith always had some new way to illustrate to people with low self esteem that they were fat and disgusting, but the most absurd gimmick she used on her poxy show was getting her subjects to crap in plastic containers for her. She would then take the specimens off their hands and the show would cut to shots of her supposedly examining the faeces in a lab coat and safety goggles. It was a good job that she always remembered those goggles, as it's a well-known fact that human excrement can(and will) jump out of petri dishes by itself and fly directly towards one's eyes at any given moment while being examined. Post-laboratory, it was back to the subject's house with McKeith complaining about what an ordeal it was to observe, smell and taste(pictured above) the specimen samples as her shameful targets would listen and either giggle sheepishly or break down in tears.

"Geraldine, I want your poo to have more shape! Timothy, it doesn't look as though you even chew your food if your poo is anything to go by! As for you, Colin, your poo was definitely some of the smelliest I've examined in my whole career."

Sorry to butt in, Gillian, this is all very interesting, the science is nothing less than phenomenal(food goes in, poo comes out - amazing, huh?), but SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO EAT OUR DINNER WHILE WATCHING IT, OKAY?!!

My days of watching whatever's on are history, but I did learn something in that time: Many people are more than happy to do whatever it takes to be on the box, even if the only means to that end is to strip down to their underwear and show a flockish TV audience their imperfections while some bitch stands there gawking, telling them their shit stinks.